“The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”

This time of year always makes me come undone a little.  Yet another year passes me by and I spend a couple of days hysterical and alone.  Normally in bed, surrounded by cake and empty spirit bottles.  This year has been the worst year by far.

What the fuck am I doing with my life?

Once in a blue moon.

He calls me after midnight, it must have been three years since we last spoke. We speak in whispers and he tells me of all the ways he longs for me after all this time. He tells me of how everything has fallen apart with his lady. How the cracks have begun to show. I tell him he is in love with the memory and how I am not the creature he longs for anymore. We wandered into each other's lives almost ten years ago, and have been falling in and out of each other's beds ever since. Never together, but never far from it. In all that time there was never a time where both of us were not spoken for. He was my comfort. The number with the heart next to it in my little black book. I have missed his voice. Missed his touch. We left on bittersweet words. I helped him to find the perfect diamond ring. He found the girl I could never be. Would never want to be. I kissed him for the last time and cut all of the ties. I rarely speak of him. But once in a blue moon I am consumed with the loss of him. Not that I would ever tell him this. He asked to collect me, then drive me to the coast so we could play in the ocean like we used to. I politely declined and asked him to speak to his girl. With a heavy heart I tell him I don't want him to call me anymore. He tells me he understands. He doesn't understand. I long for him tonight and he belongs to someone else. It is a blue moon above my empty bed tonight.

There's no place like home.

"If you don't know what you want, you end up with a lot you don't. "

Chuck Palahniuk

A month ago I  bid farewell to the City Of Villains.  All of my possessions were gathered into cardboard boxes and I left my home of almost four years.  I don't think I have ever cried so much, drank or chain smoked to such an obscene extent. I left in a tangle of horrific arguments, uninvited voyeurs and cruel last words.  It almost destroyed me.

And it has taken me a month to land on my feet.  But I have.  And I am content.

Truly content.